Distorted Feelings

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In a few moments I descended to the lost, alone, damaged person I used to know so very well. The one I have slowly uncovered from the distortions layered on me over the years. Just a few moments and I was telling myself the distortions: “You’ll never amount to much” “Who do you think you are?” “You can’t do that.” I gathered myself, took a breath, and again began to uncover the distortions I was telling myself. As I began to recover myself, I assessed the damage, the physical damage, that triggered the emotional descent. The consequences involved lost billable hours and cosmetic damage to a tool. As the day progressed, and I kept having to redirect my thoughts. Mostly, my thoughts were on the physical consequences. Looking out to the mountains, I realized, I was spending all my energy and efforts to let go of the physical damage, and had not yet addressed the emotional damage.

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I heard a hawk cry as I realized how difficult it still is for me to really know when a harm is done to me. I might be the one harming myself, or someone else. It’s the same. I am often blinded when it comes to a harm being done to me. Times, experiences, when I forget my truth. Just moments, gone, lost to the distortions.

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I know, intellectually, the distortions told to me are not true. Feeling, really feeling the damage of the past is not something I want to feel.

Each day I greet the sun I feel the wonder of the day.

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Each day I greet the sun I feel the promise of a new day.

I hear the hawk again, and promise myself, when I look at the physical damage from this challenging day, to courageously share my truth.

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3 thoughts on “Distorted Feelings

  1. Oh Victoria,
    You’ll never amount to much, said to you by those jealous of your gifts, those who measure themselves by others, who are unable to raise themselves up, so the only avenue they have is to diminish those that make them look small
    “Who do you think you are?” You are Victoria Rose, a weaver of words, a teller of stories, you are a goddess moving in harmony with the music of the Universe.
    A believer in miracles and in the goodness of others.
    “You can’t do that.” You certainly can, you are the strongest person I’ve ever known. Your resilience and determination are more than a match for any distortions trying to break through from the past, their momentary appearance should serve only to remind you of how incredibly far you have come.

  2. …Nelson Mandala kept this poem on the wall all the years he was imprisoned. I have to turn back to it from time to time for support. I’ts not great poetry, but it is great truth. Love. Ray

    Invictus

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.

    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds and shall find me unafraid.

    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate,
    I am the captain of my soul.

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