Distorted Feelings

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In a few moments I descended to the lost, alone, damaged person I used to know so very well. The one I have slowly uncovered from the distortions layered on me over the years. Just a few moments and I was telling myself the distortions: “You’ll never amount to much” “Who do you think you are?” “You can’t do that.” I gathered myself, took a breath, and again began to uncover the distortions I was telling myself. As I began to recover myself, I assessed the damage, the physical damage, that triggered the emotional descent. The consequences involved lost billable hours and cosmetic damage to a tool. As the day progressed, and I kept having to redirect my thoughts. Mostly, my thoughts were on the physical consequences. Looking out to the mountains, I realized, I was spending all my energy and efforts to let go of the physical damage, and had not yet addressed the emotional damage.

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I heard a hawk cry as I realized how difficult it still is for me to really know when a harm is done to me. I might be the one harming myself, or someone else. It’s the same. I am often blinded when it comes to a harm being done to me. Times, experiences, when I forget my truth. Just moments, gone, lost to the distortions.

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I know, intellectually, the distortions told to me are not true. Feeling, really feeling the damage of the past is not something I want to feel.

Each day I greet the sun I feel the wonder of the day.

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Each day I greet the sun I feel the promise of a new day.

I hear the hawk again, and promise myself, when I look at the physical damage from this challenging day, to courageously share my truth.

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Proximity

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Last night the moon felt so close, as though the round magical sphere invited me to touch its evening glow.

Proximity, physically and emotionally, can be distorted.

There have been times when ancestors I never met breathed a sign of relief by a choice and action I took. Their exhale formed the words “Yes, finally, she is the one”.

I have experienced times so dark, so hurtful, it was all I could do to trust that feeling the absence of someone’s love did not require me to stop loving.

I have learned to walk away from comments that both give and take in one breath. The opposing words are distortions that choke with fear.

The moon is so bright, full, exquisite, promising me if I can trust enough to feel the pain I will continue to radiate light strong enough to illuminate the night.