Radiance

Before the sun rose, we met each other on the street. She, maybe at the age of 3, standing at the bus stop with a woman. She had on a warm coat, had a smile on her face, and a rose in her hand. Not knowing them I paused, just a bit, before speaking.
“What a beautiful rose”. I said, looking first at the woman and then the child.
The child held up the wilted flower.
“Are you going to give that to your teacher?” I asked
“No, I’m going to give it to you” she replied, with every ounce of her being brought to attention.
Her smile was radiant.
Her intentions clear.
She did not hesitate because
it was dark
she didn’t know me
my skin is a different color
I am older
or that I didn’t have something to give her in return.
Before the sun rose
in one short moment
this young girl and I shared a radiant connection.
DSCN0604

Unattractively Amusing

I see it, immediately have a desire, yet I quickly step away. The lawn ornament is beyond tacky, yet somehow endearing. A figure you love to hate. Maybe its purpose is to be a novelty, a shock. Unattractively amusing, I feel the conflict of want and rejection. My voice begins to say “I have to have that” my head justifies full denial. The feeling of attraction fades away as I notice the sound of the swing on the playground, the fragrance of garlic sauteing, and see the flowers blooming on the cherry tree.

Even the meal yet to be eaten is temporary. The cherries from last year’s harvest just a memory. Understanding impermanence can be a gift. Especially when I witness . . .

The student leaving school not knowing what possessions his mother sold to support her drug addiction.

The aroma of a comfort meal shared with a family grieving the loss of a child.

“You win” seething with resentment from an employer as the employee chooses to leave an abusive relationship.

Every moment passes, quickly, allowing me to notice the warmth of the sun, the smile of a gracious server, the delicacy of the first cherry of the season. Then I know, truly appreciate, I have all I need, want or desire in this fleeting precious moment.

Momentarily Exquisite

The sensation explodes in my mouth yet the act of swallowing, welcoming the substance into my body, is barely recognized. When I take the time to notice the exquisite taste I can be overwhelmed. Similar to eating the most decadent dessert, the span of childhood can seem momentary.

As a child I remember imagining what I would do if I was the parent, teacher, president, or dictator. I would rule the world with playful irresponsibility. When my time came, becoming one confused parental body, I had no idea where to begin to make the onslaught of decisions. How is it possible to carry, nurture, and birth a new life while forgetting the joy, laughter and playfulness of being a child?

Today, I celebrate my anniversary of the miracle of giving birth. The transition of releasing two beings as one to two separate beings stopped time, thought, and the constant distracting mindless chatter. I became aware, completely of the present moment, of new life and first breath. I was not the first and will not be the last to experience this miracle.

I have much to be thankful for on this anniversary. Vulnerability, desire to remember the wonder of innocence and forgiveness for myself for so very many missed opportunities to love without expectation, are just some of the reasons I am humbly grateful for the experiences of motherhood.

Like a child asking a million times“Why . . . ” I asked myself questions along the way. Unfortunately, I often did not know the questions to ask. I haven’t given up, and continue my search for the questions that will bring me back to the decadent, rich, sensation of childhood.