Distorted Feelings

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In a few moments I descended to the lost, alone, damaged person I used to know so very well. The one I have slowly uncovered from the distortions layered on me over the years. Just a few moments and I was telling myself the distortions: “You’ll never amount to much” “Who do you think you are?” “You can’t do that.” I gathered myself, took a breath, and again began to uncover the distortions I was telling myself. As I began to recover myself, I assessed the damage, the physical damage, that triggered the emotional descent. The consequences involved lost billable hours and cosmetic damage to a tool. As the day progressed, and I kept having to redirect my thoughts. Mostly, my thoughts were on the physical consequences. Looking out to the mountains, I realized, I was spending all my energy and efforts to let go of the physical damage, and had not yet addressed the emotional damage.

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I heard a hawk cry as I realized how difficult it still is for me to really know when a harm is done to me. I might be the one harming myself, or someone else. It’s the same. I am often blinded when it comes to a harm being done to me. Times, experiences, when I forget my truth. Just moments, gone, lost to the distortions.

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I know, intellectually, the distortions told to me are not true. Feeling, really feeling the damage of the past is not something I want to feel.

Each day I greet the sun I feel the wonder of the day.

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Each day I greet the sun I feel the promise of a new day.

I hear the hawk again, and promise myself, when I look at the physical damage from this challenging day, to courageously share my truth.

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Represent

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Being on the trail early means deciding details the night before. Once the clothes are laid out, alarm is set, and food is packed, the only focus is to get to the trail. The rewards are the filtered morning light, the quiet softness, the promises offered by the slow warmth, all gifts of the new day. On early winter mornings there is also a clarity in the air, a sharpness. On a recent crisp morning, walking along the trail I found myself looking up, similar to the way tourists look up at tall buildings. Different in that I was looking at the trees, in awe of the brightness from the way the sun mirrored off the icy branches. There was nothing else I needed to do, decide, or accomplish than simply appreciate the beauty all around.

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The blue sky, mist rising from the river, and stunning silence offered a breather from the ongoing chatter in my head. I considered all the people gathered, roads closed, endless events, all focused on the process of one person formally, ceremoniously, beginning a second term of office. The person is a representative of the people, including me. I was aware of the seasons, of time changing, of my responsibility to advocate for all I love. I may not be the center of attention for an entire nation, and world, but in this moment I was in the center of Spirit, representing all I believe in. I do not have any term limits, campaign manager, but was acutely aware of how each moment is fragile and precious. In that moment I too took an oath, representing all I believe in and advocate for. As I ceremoniously grounded myself with my values I whispered my promise to the wind that as someone being represented I will make sure my voice is heard.

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