Church of the Empty Nest

IMG_20160124_101358_598I went to church today
The church of the empty nest
The church of the unbroken snow
The church of the bare trees
I went to church today and felt
Deeply felt
My heart
My soul
My voice
Deeply deeply felt
The silence of the newly fallen snow
I felt, deeper, even deeper
Not just in the snow,
In the new fallen snow,
But a path
through my heart
through my soul
In this holy church,
This church of the holy trees
Holy river
I feel a loss
Of being a mother
Of how afraid I was
Of how I was told
Over and over again and again
How I was not good enough
Not enough

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I remember those times
As a mother
How I didn’t know
But was told
In every way
I was not good enough
Especially for my gender
Not being good enough
To please
Satisfy
Others
To care for others
Enough
Now, I know in this holy church
I am loved
Appreciated
For my love, playfulness, forgiveness
How I wish I had those traits
When I was younger
When I was afraid

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In this church
Of the holy sacredness
There is no time
No schedule
No first service
Later service
Or Saturday evening service
There is just going outside
Looking to the sky
Looking to the earth
Looking to the east and the sun
Looking to the west and the trees
Looking into a neighbor’s eyes
Looking into your heart
I went to church and
I served my soul

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Genuine Reflection

As I wrapped the scarf around my neck the artist gasped and said “It was made for you”. Yet, even with such a genuine reflection I could feel my mind say ‘no’.

It’s a pattern I want to release.

In high school, the desire to break up with a volatile person clouded with limited awareness. He resorted to punching an oak tree, knuckles bleeding, claiming he wouldn’t stop until I agreed to be his girlfriend. I said yes to his control and no to my sacredness.

Today I talk with young girls, asking them if they know when to say ‘no’, and if they have the courage to say no, mean no and to be listened to when they say ‘no’. After all, it is the opposite of YES.

When I say no I do not whisper, suggest, or ask. Releasing the pattern of accepting volatility and control means I accept the joy of self-love and sacredness. I am comfortable compromising on the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the vacation I take. I will not compromise on my ability to say no when it means believing in love and rejecting fear.

I wrap the handmade scarf around my neck, knowing, without a doubt, we are all invited to radiate beauty.